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I was many things at ten years old, but one thing I wasn't was accepted. My family moved to a new town that summer鈥攊t was 1972鈥攁nd on the first day of school when the school bell rang I stood in the middle of the girls鈥� line anxiously waiting to meet my new classmates. As I was studying my shoes I heard the laughter and the whispering, 鈥淲hat is that new boy doing in the girls line!鈥� They were talking about me, well-dressed in boys clothing. I was humiliated, filled with shame, desperate to go back to my old school where people knew and accepted me. It was a long year of pain, accentuated by my teacher who routinely tried to force me to join the Girl Scouts.

This memory popped back into my mind when I first discovered social pain overlap theory at UCLA. These researchers study the brain in social situations. They devised a clever experiment during which people were asked to join a virtual cyberball game on a computer screen. As the game progresses, the research subject is attached to a functional brain imaging machine. Now, being left out of a where you do not even know or see the other players is nothing compared to my year of ridicule and ostracism in fifth grade, nor does it compare to the many forms of being socially rejected from bullying, to racism and homophobia, but still, this rather mild social exclusion told these researchers something very important: Being left out hurts most people. They feel uncomfortable, unsettled, irritated鈥� distressed. The next step was to see what area of the brain was activated with this distress.

This is where the story gets really interesting. The area that lit up when a subject was excluded is a strip of brain called the (dACC). The dACC already had been mapped as the area of the brain that is activated when a person is distressed by physical pain. To humans, being socially excluded is so important that it uses the same neurological pathways used to register when you are in danger from a physical injury or illness. Remember the old saying, 鈥渟ticks and stones will break your bones and names will never hurt you鈥�? Not true. It should have been 鈥渟ticks and stones will break you bones and names will hurt you too!鈥�

The human nervous system has evolved to be held within the safety of safe relationships. When we drift away from our group or are pushed out, when we are ridiculed, bullied, or shunned it creates real pain. This happens to individuals within groups and to groups of people within the larger society. SPOT theory confirms that people who live in glass houses shouldn鈥檛 throw stones鈥攂ut it also tells us that we all live in glass houses, we are all vulnerable to the pain of being left out. It is simply how we are wired.

Amy Banks, M.D., has devoted her career to understanding the neurobiology of relationships. She was an instructor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and is the Director of Advanced Training at the Jean Baker Miller Training Institute (JBMTI) at the at . She is the author with Leigh Ann Hirschman of the forthcoming book, Four Ways to Click: Rewire your Brain for Stronger, More Rewarding Relationships (Penguin Random House).

Last year, when , he noted that an estimated one in ten teens will be hurt intentionally by someone they are dating and 鈥渨hile this type of abuse cuts across lines of age and gender, young women are disproportionately affected by both dating violence and sexual assault.鈥� His Administration has committed many resources to addressing the problem. The, reauthorized in 2013 by the U.S. Congress, funds enforcement of gender-based violence laws, provides victim services, and created new federal crimes involving interstate violence against women. The campaign launched by aims to reduce sexual violence against those who experience the assaults at the highest rates--young women ages 16-24. And recently, from the White House Council on Women and Girls and the Office of the Vice President analyzed rape and sexual assault data, including the staggering number of sexual assaults on campuses, and issued a renewed call to action. Teen dating violence between adolescents who are 鈥渄ating,鈥� 鈥済oing together,鈥� 鈥渉anging out,鈥� or however the adolescents label it, is 鈥攆rom public health, education, and legal perspectives鈥攚ith injuries, poorer mental/physical health, more 鈥榟igh-risk鈥�/deviant behavior, and increased school avoidance being experienced and reported.

One concern I have is that federal policies, as evidenced by Congressional funding priorities, may not consistently address systemic issues that contribute to teen dating violence. For example, the federal government has invested generously in 鈥渉ealthy relationship鈥� programs and initiatives that promote marriage as a cure-all for poor women and girls but have no requirement for evaluation, while also funding research that takes a gender-neutral approach to examining the problem.1 Data shows that males and females do not engage in mutual, reciprocal, and equivalent violence鈥攕o why wouldn鈥檛 there be a need to examine the gendered components of any intimate partner violence?

My research for over 30 years has focused on . In fact, sexual harassment may also serve as a precursor to teen dating violence. Schools鈥攚here most young people meet, hang out, and develop patterns of social interactions鈥攎ay be training grounds for domestic violence because behaviors conducted in public may provide license to proceed in private.

Since 2005, my more recent research with , of NORC, funded by the National Institute of Justice of the U.S. Department of Justice, has been in urban middle schools, with the youngest sample of 6th and 7th graders ever studied in a scientific, randomly controlled research project on teen dating violence. Our interventions, both school-wide and in the classroom, emphasize articulating and claiming one鈥檚 boundaries and personal space; never do we discuss 鈥渉ealthy relationships鈥濃�攁 perspective that I find subjective and judgmental yet seems to operate as the default approach to preventing teen dating violence. Happily, our data shows that our interventions are effective and we are currently expanding them to 8th graders and testing for longitudinal effects.

This year, as we and offer scientific approaches to prevention, we must continue to invest in evidence-based and evaluated programs with rigorous research that inform truly effective public policies.

Nan Stein, Ed.D. is a Senior Research Scientist at the at where she directs several national research projects on sexual harassment, and gender violence. Shifting Boundaries, her research project with Bruce Taylor, is an ongoing, multi-level study funded by the National Institute of Justice to evaluate the effectiveness of grade-differentiated dating violence and sexual harassment prevention curricula.

1.). January 23, 2013. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, , an Office of the Administration for Children and Families. Retrieved February 3, 2014, from

Policies, procedures, and protocols for bullying prevention and intervention are now a requirement for most schools across the country. Yet policies that are developed and implemented in isolation are insufficient to address the challenges of bullying behavior. It is also critical to create a school culture and climate of communication, collaboration, and trust where children and adults feel safe and supported to speak up about bullying.

is a key element to preventing and addressing bullying in schools. found that bullying prevention programs that use a whole-school approach to foster a safe and caring school climate 鈥� by training all adults to model and reinforce positive behavior and anti-bullying messages 鈥� were generally found to be effective.

The , an evidence-based social and emotional learning program, focuses on both proactively developing children鈥檚 social and emotional skills (like calming down, speaking up, and problem solving) and building a school community where children and adults feel safe, cared for and engaged in learning. We encourage a unique whole-school approach that includes training all adults in the school community 鈥� teachers, administrators, counselors, support staff, and families 鈥� to learn, model, and reinforce pro-social skills throughout the school day and at home.

Students are always watching. They are watching adults at their best and they are particularly watching adults when they are in conflict. While emphasis and expectations of behavior is often placed on the students, adults in schools should remember to take a step back and look at themselves, their relationships, and the behaviors students see them model. It鈥檚 imperative that adult communities in schools reflect the same expectations of behavior that we have for students. Otherwise a climate may develop where students and adults may not feel safe to identify, report, and effectively address bullying behavior.

When a consistent culture and climate is created both on the student and the adult level, bullying prevention efforts will be strengthened along with creating the best possible environment for learning.

, B.A., and , M.B.A. are Co-directors of , a leading provider of evidence-based curriculum and professional development for social and emotional learning (SEL) in Kindergarten through Grade 5. Open Circle, a program of the 妻友社区 at , is at the end of its 25th anniversary year.