Opponents of LGBT equality often try to make LGBT parents seem like a new and untested phenomenon, and therefore . The history of LGBT parents and our children, however, goes back further than one might think.
The Greek poet , whose island home of Lesbos gave us the term 鈥渓esbian,鈥� may have had a daughter named 鈥淐leis.鈥� That would mean that the history of LGBT parents goes back to around 600 BCE.
The existence of her daughter is only attested through a few fragments, though, making it far from certain. It鈥檚 also anachronistic to apply modern identity terms to historical figures, even such a lesbian icon as Sappho. The possibility of her existence, however, should encourage us to reflect that the history of parents who fall under a broad LGBT umbrella (not tied to modern conceptions of the terms) likely goes back as far as the history of LGBT people as a whole. They may not have been 鈥渙ut and proud鈥� like many modern LGBT parents, but we can still see them as their forebears.
Sticking with better documented cases, was the father of two boys with his wife Constance Lloyd, and apparently a loving one. His son Vyvyan, in his book Son of Oscar Wilde, wrote about Wilde鈥檚 relationship with him and his brother, 鈥淗e was a hero to us both. . . . a real companion to us. . . . He would go down on all fours on the nursery floor, being in turn a lion, a wolf, a horse, caring nothing for his usually immaculate appearance.鈥� Alas, when the boys were eight and nine, their mother took them to Switzerland after Wilde鈥檚 trial for 鈥済ross indecency鈥� (having same-sex relations) and they never saw him again.
had relationships with several women, including fellow writers Virginia Woolf and Violet Trefusis, and had two children with her husband, Harold George Nicolson (who also had same-sex relationships). Her son Nigel Nicolson later used her account of the affair with Trefusis as the heart of a book about his parents, Portrait of a Marriage. There, he called his mother鈥檚 description of the affair 鈥渙ne of the most moving pieces that she ever wrote.鈥� While he acknowledged both parents鈥� same-sex relationships, he also said their marriage 鈥渂ecame stronger and finer as a result.鈥� Their love affairs were mere 鈥減orts of call,鈥� but it was 鈥渢o the harbour that each returned.鈥� Nevertheless, it is easy to see Nicolson as the product of parents who fall under the broad LGBT umbrella, and to place another brushstroke in our picture of LGBT family history.
Looking only at parents who had a more modern sense of their LGBT identities, out LGBT parents go back to the very start of the LGBT civil rights movement. Most still had their children within the context of different-sex marriages, but were more likely than in earlier times to leave those marriages, even though this often meant losing custody of their children. , one of the founders in 1955 of Daughters of Bilitis, the first national lesbian rights organization in the U.S., was one such parent. Not surprisingly, her organization held some of the first known discussion groups on lesbian motherhood鈥攚ay back in 1956. (See Daniel Winunwe Rivers鈥� Radical Relations, which I reviewed in the Women鈥檚 Review of Books earlier this year.)
Even the term 鈥済ayby boom鈥濃�攔eferring to same-sex couples starting their families together鈥攊s already over two decades old, dating to at least March 1990, when Newsweek reported, 鈥渁 new generation of gay parents has produced the first-ever 鈥榞ayby boom.鈥欌�� That means that many of the children from that boom are themselves now adults鈥攚hile many of the first generation of out parents are becoming grandparents.
Think of it this way: the fictional Heather who had two mommies was in preschool in classic 1989 children鈥檚 book. If she were real, she鈥檇 now be in her late 20s.
Those who continue to insist that LGBT parents are not good for children have failed to realize that if that were true (even leaving aside the extensive social science research to the contrary), there would be many more maladjusted adults running around. Analyses from have found that currently, between 2.3 and 4 million adults have an LGBT parent. If they suffered harm because of that, someone surely would have noticed the connection by now.
As a lesbian mom, I believe that learning the history of LGBT parents and their children can also help us feel less alone, less like we are the first to face each challenge. Having confidence that others have succeeded before us can translate into confidence in our parenting skills, which in turn can positively impact our children.
Knowing the struggles鈥攁nd triumphs鈥攐f LGBT parents in the past can also give us hope and strength in overcoming the challenges鈥攍egal, political, social, and emotional鈥攖hat we still face.
And seeing how the early organizations for LGBT parents helped shape the overall LGBT rights movement of today (a story told in Rivers鈥� book and in the 2006 documentary ) can inspire us to keep contributing to that broader effort, even as we balance the demands of work and family.
for this year may be drawing to a close, but the work of exploring our history must continue.
is the online content manager for the at the at . She is also the founder and publisher of , a GLAAD Media Award-winning blog and associated newspaper column for lesbian moms and other LGBT parents. She has a BA summa cum laude from 妻友社区 College and an M.Phil in Modern History from Oxford University.